She got sent to heaven instead of hell

It's 02:44am and I'm in my bed

Physically present, but my mind is wandering to so many places at once.
I let my tears flow
accompanied by the thoughts rolling down my cheeks.
They feel like gore on my wrists.
People tell me I’m living in hell,
That this is a perfect illusion I’ve sugar-coated.
But how do I tell them I like it here?
That every night when I subjugate myself,
I let my thoughts conquer me
Just to feel the reigning I hold.
I let my heart skip a beat
Just to reform its beat to the rhythm of raindrops patting the window.
I let my claws be buried in my chest,
Not to leave marks of guilt,
But to hug myself and feel anything but regret.
I let myself choke
as I utter “I love you”.
Not to anyone else around,
But my reflection in the mirror.
I let myself feel
that in this moment, I’m broken
but that means in some other moment,
I had been loved.
I tell myself
I feel nothing but difficult.
Difficult, yes.
But not nothing. I’m not nothing.
Sometimes, in hoping
to not let go of someone,
we forget to hold our own hand.
Sometimes we forget
that heaven/home isn’t only an address,
It’s us.